Seasons of discovery can be the most challenging a person can face. To some discovery might evoke high adventure and expeditions to new places, but for me, it has been a bit more like kneading.

I, once again, tried to switch over the theme of Wind & Spindle to an artist’s website because I wanted a place for my photography and writing. My expectation was that I had both my writing and photography discovered enough to create a space for them. Instead I had to face both honestly.

The truth is that I have no idea what exactly will become of anything I’m doing. The only thing that feels stable it the novel writing. It is my one sure creative pursuit, and the one area where my expectations match reality. Other areas of my creativity have gone through some severe kneading over the last couple months, and I thought I’d share a bit about where I am at with each.

Photography

Photography is the area I feel most childlike in. Over the last year I’ve come to realize the weaknesses in my past work (in college and high school), which I had previously held in some high regard. And though I was more inventive then, there seems to be some level of maturity now that I didn’t have before. I don’t think I want to work as a photographer.

My recent purchase of a new camera and time spent contemplating my work has shown me that much like my book making, it is something I use to express and see the world around me. You might call it an elevated hobby. I’ve come to see that maybe the place for my photography isn’t grandiose or in some established following, but as a quiet observation of the world to be shared.

The new camera is a Fujifilm X-T20, and is exactly what I needed for my work at the moment. It provided something different, forcing me to examine my habits and break free from rules set for me. Though I want to improve my photography, I am realizing that my idea of being a great photographer could just be a point of pride. Rather than building any sort of career, I’ve been creating slowly, showing fewer pictures on Instagram and taking plenty of time to experiment. I am not feeling the need to put them on a website other than Instagram. If I get a solid body of work and direction I can pursue it in a greater art form. Otherwise, I’ll let it be in the form it is on Instagram. (You can find me https://www.instagram.com/thelenspoet/@thelenspoet.)

Podcasting

In June/July I spoke about wanting to create a podcast about creativity. I have had this idea for a while, and while I have plans on what platform to use I understand that there is something that hasn’t come into place yet. I could use proper equipment, but that isn’t what is holding me back. My best explanation is the sense that there will be changes to my life in the near future and that will impact my approach to a podcast.

The one thing I know is that the desire to have a podcast hasn’t died…but it isn’t time yet. It is the one creative area I have no problem holding off because it just doesn’t feel ripe yet. There will be a season for it, but not yet.

Blogging

If you go to my blog’s Instagram you’ll see that I’ve basically unfollowed all other bloggers and only have photographers/personal contact left. The reason for this is at one point I realized that to get better into my photography I needed to feed my eyes with images that encouraged the type of photography I wanted to create.

Instead of following on Instagram I’ve been keeping up with blogs. I still read and enjoy blogs more than Instagram. There is something exhausting about seeing images chucked out day after day whereas a blog post is something I can settle down to read and really enjoy the images. If you would believe it, I’ve only missed a few people on Instagram. The rest I find most satisfying to follow via their blogs or Youtube. I’ve found that I enjoy bloggers in specific mediums and that I don’t need to follow every outlet.

So if you’re miffed that I have unfollowed you on Instagram, don’t be. I’m simultaneously trying to trim down my time on social media and master them as a tools rather than a habits, but to do so I need to use them selectively.

Which brings me to my final thought, and, perhaps the whole point of this post. I don’t know where blogging will be in my future. After making Wind & Spindle ready as an “artist” site I realized I hated the idea of using it as that. Then I believed I would give up blogging all together…

One of the changes Lyme made to me was a change in my brain. I don’t make decisions like I used to. I get exhausted and lose motivation quickly. I get massive mood swings and emotions that distort my typically sound judgement. It is the one trick card that plays a role in all of my creative process—what I believe is smart one day will be stupid the next.

I came back this Monday from a weekend away without social media, writing, and only my photography to do in my free time. Most of the time was spent ill in bed with mood swings, headaches, and foggy perceptions. I’m in a place of my life where I am in between seasons of life. A new season of life is about to begin where I believe I will be healed and everything that God has been working on will be brought to completion. In the meantime, I’m left with literally no direction.

While my return home includes lingering mental issues, I’ve realized how much I want to run a blog. More so, I see now that many of my issues with blogging have been related to my inability to do what I want. But when again, I thought for sure when I imaged myself healthy and with more time on my hands I would rather be a serious photographer. When I face that dream with all honesty I don’t see that as my vision or goal.

Just like my dream of a podcast that ruminates and won’t die, so I see my desire to run a blog (NOT an Instagram account) never quite running out. For some time I thought blogging was just a means for me to talk to people while housebound, and perhaps even a way I was seeking attention. Over the weekend I received several compliments on my outfits, and with every one I wanted to go into more detail about why it worked or share my styling ideas with them. It was a really healthy experience, because I really questioned for a time if I was really seeking fame or attention. These interactions showed me how I really love sharing design and styling ideas with people. More than once I’ve wanted to write up a post about the changes I’ve made to my life and seen my productivity grow. I want to talk about better ways to use social media…

In short, I want to help people. I’m not much of a tutorial writer (I have to be struck with inspiration) but I like creating inspiration and helping people find ideas to empower them. It is the information science part of background and the reason my first blog was named The Mary Curator.

I created Wind & Spindle originally as an “aesthetic exploration blog”—a means for my to explore all my creative outlets and find a place for them in my life. It was all about catching invisible things (ideas, spiritual things, emotions, etc.) and manifesting them in a tangible form that could be seen or read. This was why I named it Wind & Spindle. What is wrong now is that the season of exploration and invention is ending. Wind & Spindle was made for a woman in a stationary place attempting to make sense of all that was going on inside of her.

Now I’m a woman come to the edge of a darkness about to step into a new life.

Discovery self God art process learning blogging

I guess what I’m saying is that the one thing I am sure of is that Wind & Spindle will come to an end. When I began this blog I purchased two years of service, somehow knowing that at the end of those two years I would evaluate and decide where to go next. (Don’t panic, it expires in early January.) Blogging may return in a new form, but I know that just as The Mary Curator served a season in my life so Wind & Spindle has chronicled the chaotic but beautiful process of development and discovery of my reacquaintance with art.

In the meantime, I’m quietly awaiting the dawn I’ve watched for so many years.

Thank you for being with me during this journey. I know I’ve had more ups and downs than most, but I’ve been so encouraged when one of you has told me how you are excited to see my growth and when I will take off. It helps me to believe that the good God has promised is still coming.

I am thankful for this journey, but also what is to come, for greater days are coming—they are just beginning. I’m coming out of the darkness and into the light. Out of any discovery I’ve made, it is that my relationship with Jesus is more precious than any piece of art I could ever make or any day I could ever live. It is out of the friendship we have that I hear his prompting to pursue my creativity and the promise that it will become something greater than I can imagine.

Bring that day swiftly, Lord. I am ready.

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