Four Lies & Four Truths
It wasn’t my original plan to talk about virginity for a Valentine’s Day post, but I had wanted to write about this topic for some time, and I thought, it isn’t going to be less awkward any other time, so why not?
This isn’t an explicit post, rather its a post of things I really wished I had heard when I was younger. Not because I believed these lies, but because I have heard them regularly since I first learned about sex.
As a preface I am 29 years old, completely single, and yes, a virgin.
I’m not going to discuss or debate morals here. The point of this is to speak some truth to those with experiences like mine, whether they hold my exact beliefs or not.
Lie: Your knowledge of sex correlates to your overall intelligence and maturity.
I remember having a conversation with a girl in college who asked me if I was a virgin, and she was so psyched to find another person she gave me a high-five. She told me how her sister was always talking about having sex with her boyfriend and talked down on her for not having the same experience.
This is not unusual. For whatever reason people tend to take pride at knowing something about sex that another person didn’t know. Whether it is a haughty, “Of course she doesn’t know,” smile, or long stares like you’ve got a third eyeball, sexual knowledge/experience is somehow associated with some symbolic entry into perceived social maturity.
Truth: There are a million things to learn about the world and sex is just one of them.
Sexual knowledge and experience won’t guarantee that you’ll be a kind person. It won’t dictate how you will handle conflict. It says nothing about whether or not you’d pass a master’s level mathematics exam or even remember the capitals of all 50 United States.
Chances are if someone is saying that to you it’s because you intimidate them or they want to have power over you. So if this is something you’re hearing, ignore it.
Lie: You won’t know how to have sex.
I remember reading the story of one woman who had a guy tell her that it was important to sleep around because, “No guy wants a dead fish on their wedding night.” She ignored his advice and when it came to her wedding night she noted how her body worked just fine. Why?
Sex is a natural part of human biology, and the biology of every living creature on earth for that matter. (And I have yet to hear of a species facing extinction because it didn’t know how to reproduce.)
Will practice improve the experience? Yes, but the idea that you should spare the person you end up with from a round of poor sex is a skewed perspective on love.
Even with experience bodies don’t always work right. You age, and your body will fail and falter. Sex won’t be the best you’ve ever had every time, even with your best efforts and experience. It’s a part of life.
Lie: You don’t have fun (or you’re missing out on it).
In college I read a headline about a 60 or 70 year old virgin who was about to get married. The headline read, “[age] Year Old Virgin Finally Ready to Have Some Fun.”
Truth: I once had fun skating at the roller rink when I was young.
While there is definitely a unique pleasure found in sex (I’m taking others’ word for it) if it were the only thing that brought people happiness a lot of things would not exist, like roller coasters, model railroads, puppy videos, chocolate, origami, and bonsai.
I can also say that I have had hundreds of not fun days because of Lyme’s disease and zero because of my virginity.
Lie: There is something wrong with you.
The lowest blow of all, but the most common lie I see. You’re too naive, too ugly, too boring, too principled. Your personality isn’t right. How often do you see a film coming out with the stereotypical nerdy or socially weird boy out to lose his virginity? How about a woman is innocent and insecure until she finds some guy to slip in bed with?
Truth: Your value is not defined by sex.
I’m 29. I’ve been on one date in my entire life.
And you know what?
Nothing is wrong with me.
I’m not bound to another person for my purpose or value, because I have value and importance independent of what anyone thinks or says.
If you are single, a virgin, or someone who is just feeling lonely this Valentine’s Day I want to say that nothing is wrong with you.
You have value. God doesn’t make mistakes. He doesn’t plop people here by accident.
God is always reminding me that he loves me, and that is the greatest love to latch myself to.
So be kind to yourself this Valentine’s Day, and remember that you are loved.
And to those of you who are waiting like me,
keep it up.
You are worth it.